Kristin's Quest: In Search of Myself

…I feel constrained in my exploration of who I am by worries about whether I can cope with the reactions of others.

I’m worried that I will continue to hide who I am, solely because what the world may do to me may be worse than what I do to myself by denying myself.

A while since I’ve written here.

Part of it seems to be that I’ve hit a bit of a bump in the road. I don’t know how to move forward, and continue to be unsure which way forward is. I know what I want. I don’t know if it’s possible to have without ruining my life.

And…the decisions on that seem to be balancing of positive and negative consequences. Things that others can’t help me too much with, because they are (to a large extent) dependent on my specific circumstances.

And, with Mom’s recent health news, and our recent trip up to visit with her…I just haven’t had the time to consider anything much beyond that. Now that life is slowing closer to normal…we’ll see what happens.

I wish I had a good cheering section here. To some extent, it feels like my cheering section is my wife. And the people I would ordinarily confide in beyond her…are too close to my professional life. I don’t know what the right way to go is.

I’m also disappointed. I really wanted to get to the Philadelphia Trans-Health Conference. But this doesn’t seem to be the year. I work Sundays…and I think there’s actually an event at work on the Saturday that weekend. And with the travel I want to do to be with Mom (who is actually doing really well, so far)…I don’t think I can take that time this year.

The problem? I think I may need to be there before I can move forward…before I can have a sense if this is the path I need to follow. Or whether it’s the wrong path for me.

I hate not knowing myself well enough to make the decisions involved. I usually know myself quite well, but this is just proving to be difficult to get my head around completely…especially in terms of the reactions to be expected, if I proceed, and whether I can stand up to them.

I know what I’d do if I didn’t have to worry about what the rest of the world would think. But I don’t know how much I can disregard “them” without inviting a different sort of unhappiness.

So last week, my mother learned she has a year to live. Insert standard disclaimers, doctor’s best guess, blah blah blah, may live longer, blah blah blah, etc., etc., etc.

Adjusting to that news is “interesting.” That said. It’s strange what little things bring that to mind.

My passport expires next month. My mother lives in a different country from me. So, getting the news increased the priority of getting that renewal sent in. I’d already done a run-through of the renewal form, so I’d know what details I still need to gather. (Note to self: figure out who has known me for more than two years and is not a family member, so I can use them for a reference on the form.)

And last night…I glanced at the form. And realized something that should change. Before getting the news, I’d automatically filled in the section for “emergency contact” with my mother’s name and address. And realized that…that’s probably not a good idea.

Though it’s the way it’s supposed to be, I’m not ready to outlive a parent…not yet.

Sigh. It was clear last night. My wife wants to move again.

I…do not.

The good news is: she only wants to move if we find the right place. But I don’t know that her idea of the right place exists. And if it does, I don’t know that I will find it significantly better than where we are now.

But it sounds like a new bed is dependent on moving. And there is some sense in that. We’re not sure we can find room for the larger bed in our bedroom, because it’s awkwardly shaped.

I just…I remember how much hassle moving is. This is the third place we’ve lived in since we were married in 2009. I don’t see how we end up with anything other than a “sideways” move. With the last move, we moved miles closer to where I work. With a prospective move? More space is good, but can it happen without paying a lot more rent?

And if we move, am I going to want to move again shortly…especially to a jurisdiction where transgender people have legal protections? Or where I could be more anonymous? Would we even be able to afford a second move financially?

I know how much stress a move is. I know that neither my wife nor I are equipped to deal with as much of the work of a move as some people are. And I don’t see how a move within the neighborhood is ever going to rise to the level where I feel it’s worth it.

And the worst part of this? I know that the deficiencies of our current home bother my wife more than they do me. And so I can’t just stick my head in the sand.

abellandapomegranate:

You’re not “pre-everything” if you’ve already told yourself the truth.  You’ve already done the hardest part.

Food for thought in that quote. As for my situation, think I’ve told myself the truth, and am still trying to run away from it.

Just a word that I may not be as present on Tumblr for the next little while. My mother called on the weekend to tell me that the doctor has given her a year to live. This has shaken me in some ways…and I don’t think I have the brain power right now to work on longer-form posts.

For pieces at about the length of my brain power, I’m on twitter as @kristinsquest also. And I’m sure I’ll be back before too long, if only to “think out loud,” so to speak.